Sometimes I want to say fuck you to AA. Usually, it's because I have a resentment against a person in AA. A fallible person promises to call me back, and never does. Or a speaker tries to sell the program to newcomers by spouting a bunch of bullshit.
And sometimes I get resentful at the AA "Promises." After 9+ years they have not all come true for me. Having done the steps numerous times I can confidently say that I have yet to be "amazed." I DO know a new freedom and a new happiness. I do not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it. I comprehend the word serenity and I know peace. I do not feel useless, but I occasionally feel self-pity. I have not lost interest in selfish things, and have only sort of gained interest in my fellows. Self-seeking has not slipped away. My whole attitude and outlook upon life has not changed. While I do instinctively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me, fear of people remains. The only reason economic insecurity does not plague me is because I am currently financially secure, but I know that once my money runs out the fear will return. I do, however, still have faith in God.
... But when I step back and ask myself, "is life better sober," the answer is always yes. That teaches me that I must separate AA from sobriety. AA is not sobriety. AA is a program designed to help people stay sober. I must not combine the two things. It is quite possible to step back from AA when it annoys me and remain sober. I would hate to go out simply because the program that is designed to help me pissed me off. I musn't sacrifice my sobriety when all I really want to do is give the middle finger to AA.
