I am hardwired to be dissatisfied. Last night I was looking back at my old stand up performances - I was pretty good! I had great stage presence and a unique perspective. I wrote all of my own material and my voice is wry and well-defined. The night before I was listening to old voice over auditions (I'm decluttering my desktop, you see). Again, I was really good! I had range, stamina and ability. I didn't even recognize my own voice in a few cartoon auditions. But I want more. Simply being good isn't enough. Why can't I feel proud? I look at my parents - that's why. I am made of them, and they were never satisfied. My genetic makeup, my cells, are destined to want, to be unhappy. Recovery tells us to rewire our thinking. I have been attempting to do that for 9+ years of continuous step work. While my thought process has improved, it waxes and wanes. And I realize, this is why I smoked pot and drank. It helped me feel proud of myself. Even if it was just an illusion.
