The disease of addiction is truly cunning, baffling and powerful. Once I put down the substances - the coping mechanisms - the disease became very loud in my head. My disease wants me dead, but it'll settle for making me miserable. Because, it reasons, once I'm miserable enough I'll pick up a substance again.
Addiction has been manifesting in my brain recently by latching on to and obsessing over negative things. Things that are actually old ideas and beliefs that no longer serve me. So I had to do a 10th step.
"I have a resentment against __________ because I have fear that ____________, ______________, ______________, ..."
The fears were plentiful. Once I started digging past the superficial, I got to the real meat. Then the resolution: I have to relinquish control and reframe the way I look at things. My way of doing things is not the right way, it is simply one way. There are different lenses through which to view things. I must get used to wearing new glasses.
I fear letting go of old ideas because if I do, that means that I suffered through the painful learning of them for no reason. I hold tight to the idea of order, so if something is out of place it disturbs my sense of well-being. I must practice.
10th steps don't always provide me with immediate relief, but this time it did. My anger vanished. I felt even better after reading it to a fellow AA-er and hearing her take on it. She was able to give me insight that I hadn't thought of. I love to learn new things about myself! I must remember that growth is only temporarily painful, and when I am in pain it means I am growing.