My fears are loudest at night. I lay in bed playing Words with Friends and Ruzzle, trying to relax. But instead I fall down the rabbit hole into fearful thoughts. What if this? Then I'll do that. I have discussions with people who aren't there. Arguments, actually. I yell at imaginary beings inside my head. "Don't have conversations with people who aren't there," my recovery reminds me. I pause. Close my eyes. Breathe. Come back to the present.... Then my mind takes over again. Involuntarily. I slip back into fear. I've just noticed that I do this. And I've been doing it awhile. Perhaps noticing is the first step to arresting this behavior. I hope so. I don't want to live in my fears. I want to be happy.
